She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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