Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
