You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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