twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
