3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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