Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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