My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
