she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
