I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
