If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
