If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
