I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
