So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
