Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
