I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
