oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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