when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize