Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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