I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
