Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
