who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
