One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
