I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
