I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
