She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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