I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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