so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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