i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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