I wish I could teleport
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
