Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
