Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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