if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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