He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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