so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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