I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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