This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
