Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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