If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
