Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
