you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
