Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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