I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
