You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
