he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
