u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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