Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
