I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
