In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Mom said you looked used
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
