I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
