He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There r osticjed everywhere
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
