I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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