Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize