pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
