Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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