I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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