Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
