Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
