my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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