Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
