I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
