1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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